EMDR to the Rescue: Dad & Son

This is another Phase III example.

EMDR is a very useful tool when relationships are distressed.

Remembering to get a specific memory is an important starting point, and can be hard.

Sometimes people wander, combining stories.  Other times they can’t recall a memory and speak in vague, general term, or if you work with folks with ADHD, three or more memories jumble out at once, all twisted together.

Getting folks to slow down and recall their memory is really important.

Listen for how they tell it.  Interrupt and bring them back, guiding the meandering.

For example, I worked with a father and son earlier today.  They came in fighting, baring teeth, snarling at each other.  Even though it was a virtual zoom session, they sat as far from each other as possible.  The fight started a few days ago when the son didn’t get accepted on to a sports team.  He was crushed as all of his life his aspiration has been to be an athlete.  After hearing he was rejected, for two days he sat around, doing nothing.  His father became agitated and sad for his son, and showed his compassion by getting angry at him, calling him a quitter. The son attacked back.  

I slowed it down, and asked the dad if he had ever been rejected from a team or experienced a failure?  Dad almost flooded, recalling all kinds of times when he experienced something similar.  The son was shocked, and with wide eyes let his dad know he was sad for him.

The dad said, he could remember one particular instance that was very hard.  As he talked, it was hard to follow him, for his voice got louder and his non verbals bigger with each additional story.  He bounced in and out of years, and told multiple stories, featuring different coaches and teachers, often inserting metaphor.  The coach was a bull in a china shop; this teacher was a mercenary, etc. 

At one point, the son started laughing, and said, “Dad, you’ve had a lot of little t’s; maybe you should pick one.”

The dad smiled, and sat still, and with guidance from me selected one, story about a particularly brutal coach, and we set up a full EMDR Re-processing.  The son sat with his dad, and let him know he was proud of him, and as they left the Zoom session, I saw the dad drape around his son’s shoulders.